Almost Grown Up

“No unread items.”

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

So the google reader is totally cleaned out, and I feel accomplished. I did what I set out to do tonight. I ran, I ate a healthy dinner (no one saw me eat that cookie, right? It was a small one anyway). I talked to my family, I made plans. But I did miss all of you, and I commented on posts (some a few weeks old, sorry) and got all caught up and you are all wonderful. And my google reader has no unread items, in case you missed it.

I always approach change in my life tentatively, I drag my feet towards it and then I often get lost in the uproar. So a lot of things are changing for me. Personally and professionally, things are down right now. My normal answer to these changes is to be depressed (see yesterday’s post), to eat more (see my diet for the last week), to drink more (I’ve kept this at a healthy level as of late, thankfully), and to exercise less (again, see the last week). I burn myself out by being unhealthy and down instead of making things work for me. So as of tonight I’m done.

I need to stick to my diet better. So I will. Dinner tonight was tuna with salad. Healthy. My overindulgence of food has been hurting my training and it can’t continue to do so.

I need to exercise more. I got off my training in the last week, but if I want to keep up with my ambitious fall running schedule I need to log the miles all summer, so I need to stick to it.

I need to not let myself get down. I can wallow in sadness sometimes. It’s not depression per se, but when bad things happen I let them define me for a time, and it’s unhealthy.

I need to make the most of these changes. So much has happened that I can’t waste time with “what-ifs” and conjecture. I need to figure out how to make things better for me.

To that end I:

(1) Started writing here more. It’s fun! Again! Yay! I like the whole “post more every few days” thing. It seems to suit me.

(2) Went for a run tonight, and I pushed through when I got tired. No more laziness.

(3) Made a healthy dinner, and picked out a healthy breakfast. And tomorrow after work? I am going grocery shopping for healthy food.

(4) Made a plan to make this job switch work for me, complete with lists and people to talk to and taskers. and more lists. Because I love lists.

(5) Made plans to get out of town with some friends this weekend. I need to clear my head, to start fresh, to come back having accepted everything that has happened lately. A long weekend? The perfect time to start fresh, maybe it’ll pour rain one night and we can be all metaphorical too.

Or maybe I just need a little break from it all

Missed you all, I promise that I will be better at stalking you all through google reader.

So, I’ve been pretty bad at posting this last week. There are a lot of reasons for that, and none of them very good. However, I have been thinking a lot about why I started writing here, and where I want this little project to go from here.

I started writing at a pretty hard time for me personally, and I was living a pretty transient existance. Over the time I’ve been writing I’ve shifted into my routine. So while my life is by definition kind of in flux constantly, I’m more settled now. I go to work Monday-Friday, I go to church on Sunday, run 5 days a week, etc. It’s easy to get into a rhythm with all the things life throws at you, and that’s what I’ve been doing, and it has reflected on here.

You see, at some point, I let this stop being entertaining. From time to time I really spent some time writing something more involved, but I felt this imaginary pressure to write something every day. Where did this come from? I don’t know. Somewhere in my mind I cooked up this pressure. Some blogs I read are capable of churning out day after day of interesting posts. I’m not, I lose some of my zing when things start to feel like a chore. Which is what this became. Right in there with drafting documents at work and doing laundry, I had one other thing to check off the list each day. I can’t imagine it was fun for any of you to read, and it certainly wasn’t fun for me to write.

So then last week I wrote a long post about my weekend, and the tornadoes that hit this area, and all the summery things coming up. I hadn’t written in a few days, and I had fun writing it. I really did. And from the responses, both here and those emailed to me, you all had a bit more fun reading it (which is good). So that sort of kicked my ass a bit, and caused me to rethink how I go about writing on here.

The moral of this story? I’ll be posting a bit less often. I want to really enjoy writing this, so I’ll post when I have things to say. Life is still constantly changing for me, and I have lots of adventures coming up in the next few months (including my birthday, you should all start picking out gifts now), so it should be a fun season and a good time for a fresh start (Five months in and I already need to restart, what does that say about me?). I’m also going to get much better at reading all the wonderful things that you are writing, because my google reader has been higher than I would like since I moved here, and it’s time to dive back in there.

Let the games begin.

“You might want to head down to the basement, they just spotted a tornado half a mile from here.”

Excuse me while I flip out.

So down into the basement we went. I honestly didn’t know we had one (a basement, not a weather system that threatens my life) before today. It smells funny, and as I descended into the poorly ventilated nether regions of my building, I had but one thought:

“I hope my car insurance will cover my car getting blown away.”

Perhaps I started too late in the story, lets back up.

Last week was long. I was tired almost every night. Beat. By the weekend I was ready to collapse. My “powernap” of Friday afternoon stretched for hours. Lying under the sheets, staring blearily at my alarm clock every 30-45 minutes and then resetting it.

Going out was not on the agenda.

When I say I was “tired,” most of you won’t be able to picture how useless I actually was. This is really tired. I’m basically worthless at this stage. Conversation lags, thoughts die, I dream of bed. But it was a friend’s birthday, so I cowboyed up (to all non-Red Sox fans, I apologize for the reference) and headed out.

I’ve decided that one of my favorite summertime (it’s warm here, I refuse to believe it will get warmer) activities is sitting at an outdoor bar, having a beer with friends. Even though I went home early, I felt at peace while I was there. The warm air mixed with the good conversation and the taste imported beer that I couldn’t even pronounce the name of. The sweetness of the air in the evenings mingles with the salt off the ocean and the warmth of the people crammed into a small area after a long week. I think my goal for this summer is to recapture that feeling as much as possible, because it really was amazing. I went home early and collapsed into a comatose pile in my bed and didn’t move until morning (minus one incident when roommate and friend stumbled in sometime after last call).

Saturday was a perfectly lazy day. A run when it was far too hot to run (ugh), some quality time watching a movie I had been meaning to get to since I received it as a gift two months ago, and a house party that we threw. It was nice. Low key, but friendly. A nice night, and while I might not remember it in a year, it was certainly nothing momentous, it was exactly what I needed at the time.

Of course, Sunday had to come, after a night spent tossing and turning under the covers, unable to sleep. And I felt under the weather, and morose. The air in Church didn’t move. The sky threatened rain all day. Other things happened too. Exchanges I won’t write about here, not yet, probably not ever. It was dreary. I fell asleep around 7:30 and just slept.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I hate Mondays. The beginning of the week always makes the next weekend seem too far away. Plus the office was a nightmare. Clients and files and the hopes of a productive day mixed and swirled and got lost in the storm of a big changeover in employees. By the time I arrived back from a meeting this afternoon I was happy to be able to close out a few files so I could pretend to salvage some productivity from an annoying day, a day which saw me get really angry for the first time in a long time. The ineffectiveness of everything going on around me just wore me too thin. And then came the exchange we started with.

“You might want to head down to the basement, they just spotted a tornado half a mile from here.”

Standing around in the basement, waiting for an all clear, was tense. The wind would whip wildly, moaning against the building, and then fall silent. The rain would pour down so loudly it echoed through the earth, and then it would stop. A mixture of faraway sounds, sirens, and whispers had us straining our ears to hear what was happening outside. Suddenly the tension fell from the room, I don’t know what did it. We all laughed and joked about what was happening outside, and it was suddenly nice to be in the semi-lit basement, breathing in the stale air and just laughing. It was almost a let-down when we got the all clear and filed out to go home.

Leaving work I saw the signs of what we missed. Trees were uprooted and split open a quarter mile down the road. The streets were flooded and the power was still flickering on and off in the 7-11 I stopped at for a bottle of water. As I stood in line I watched the woman behind the counter ringing people up. The power would flicker, she would grimace, and then she would smack the register with her hand before she continued ringing up the order.

And I giggled under my breath. Tomorrow’s another day.

So this is my 100th post. I really kind of wished I had something deep or meaningful to say. Unfortunately, as of late, I’ve had a bit of writer’s block. Not a huge deal, I think it’s partially due to the lots of work and the resulting lack of energy I’ve been feeling. I need a weekend where I can sleep until noon, rather than one where I’m up running errands at the crack of dawn. Hopefully this weekend will be just what I need, though I’m feeling alright today with last night’s giant night’s sleep.

So, in honor of my writer’s block (suggestions anyone?), I thought I’d post a recap of where things stand now, at the 100 post mark:

The Apartment: Is beautiful, I love it. I have a few things that are getting shipped to my parents house to be stored based my having no idea how to read a floor plan, and I still need a second bookcase and the giant tv (Hi! Maybe turn on my paycheck sometime soon? That would be great, thanks), but I’m having a good time.

Life here: I’m getting used to life here. I wonder sometimes if I should have picked a slightly different neighborhood. There’s a weird mixture of people here (which makes traffic horrible) and the aforementioned lack of quality Chinese food concerns me. However, this is the south, and there is great BBQ! And given my love for anything with BBQ sauce on it, I should be ok. The neighbors are generally nice though, even if there is a little dog somewhere who thinks it is his job to wake me in the middle of the night by barking ferociously. I’m sure he’s scaring something off that would have otherwise killed me.

La: Is coming! Next weekend! We haven’t seen each other since I got here, and it has been hard, so this will be really great. Can’t. Wait.

Work: Great, but busy, and not without its annoyances (see paycheck, missing). I love the job, and I love my coworkers, which is a lot better than other jobs I’ve had (someday remind me to tell you all why you shouldn’t apply for college internships with a girlfriend if there is any chance of you breaking up).

Friends: My friends here are almost all work friends. Some I work with directly, some a little more indirectly. But I have one non-work friend here. It’s a different balance than I’m used to, but I think I’m also not used to working with people who I really enjoy hanging out with. Perhaps it’s just a matter of getting used to a new work/life balance. I’m going to try to get involved more in my church, which will help me branch out a bit socially.

How is everyone else doing?

Great show last night. Some annoyances after the show with a certain roommate, but otherwise a really good time.

My thoughts today, however, are on a slightly more serious note.

My grandfather died two months before I was offered the job I have today (and nearly 7 months before it became official, but that’s an entirely different, and boring story).

He knew I was applying, I think he was happy about that, but we didn’t really talk about it much. My future job wasn’t really what I was thinking about at the time.

But now I wonder. He had a similar job, but it was different in a lot of ways. It was his career. It colored his whole life, and my Dad’s life, and I suppose my life too.

I’m intensely proud of who my grandfather was. He was an amazing man, and when I learned about some of the sordid family history after he died I only thought more of him (I thought much less of other family members, but again, that’s a story for a different day).

I don’t try to measure myself against him because I honestly don’t feel like it’s a comparison I can even come close to. But I do wonder about how he felt about the path I’m taking. I wonder, if I was faced with some of the things he was, if I could handle myself the same way. I wonder if he’s proud of me.

So, at a ballgame the other day (Did I mention how happy I am that baseball is back? Because I am) I was wearing an old hat. A really old hat. I bought this particular hat almost a decade ago. Upon first glance, people often think it is one of those “vintage” looking hats. You know? The ones that you can buy with the aged look.

Then they realize that the color is faded in an interesting way. And the brim is actually worn through to the plastic underneath. And there are odd colored stains on both sides that may or may not be mold (I don’t think so, but I can’t be sure).  Then they realize it is just beat up.

Several exes have tried to destroy this hat. They’ve all failed. It has a lot of memories, and while I should probably buy a new hat, one that doesn’t carry with it any health risks involved in wearing it, but I’m attached.

What about you? Anything that you hold onto even though you should probably just replace it?

I like to call people while driving. There’s nothing like a nice long drive to for catching up with friends. So Sunday, on my way back from La’s, I spent part of my trip calling old friends. The only catch? A lot of them weren’t in. I left messages hoping I could catch them but didn’t hear back from several of them during the drive.

Now? What I had figured would happen, is happening: upon getting busy again with work, my friends are returning my calls. Now. When I don’t have time to catch up. So far I’ve missed 5 calls since yesterday afternoon.  I’m going to have to try this again next week.

I love dogs. A lot. I once gave money to the ASPCA because a commercial about dogs in shelters made me so sad (the commercial was for dog food, so my reaction was maybe not what they wanted me to spend my money on). Sites like this can suck me in for days on end (warning: don’t click on that unless you have some time to waste).

My problem? Sometimes, in clicking around the internet, I will stumble across websites that have dogs up for adoption. And then I will spend hours looking at them all. And wanting to adopt every single one. Really. Last night, in the latest round, I decided that adopting 37 dogs would be totally fine, and that I could give them a loving home (I would probably also need some nametags). And then I feel bad that I can’t adopt them all. I think I might need to try to avoid these sites, but it’s so hard!!!

On another note, last night I was feeling downright lousy. I just felt weird and couldn’t really even describe it. So I had a glass of water with some advil, and realized I felt a little better. Then I had another glass of water. And another. By the end of nearly a gallon (!!!) of water (over several hours) I felt like a normal human being. I’ve decided that my recent lifestyle of: not working out enough, eating too much, and drinking only diet pepsi has got to change. I feel lousy, and even though it has only been a few weeks that I’ve been so busy, I’m unhappy with how I feel. So starting today I’m getting back to the healthy track.

So when I found out I’d be here for ten weeks, an old friend was very excited that we’d be so close. She had recently moved to the neighboring town to go to law school and was very excited that we would be able to hang out. Honestly? So was I. Our friendship had drifted a bit in the past few years and we rarely saw each other anymore.

So I called upon my arrival and got a text response about how we would hang out soon. Two weeks later another call, and the same text back. Three weeks after that? A third call, with no response back.

Is this the first time this has happened? No. To be honest, this is how our relationship has been for the past 2 years. Effort on my end, then the cessation of said effort, followed by her suddenly appearing with crazy and elaborate plans to get together.

I was thinking about this the other night and realized that we don’t have a friendship anymore.  We’re people we see once in a while because we used to be really good friends. We still get along, it’s still a fun evening when we get to talk, but it’s not a friendship, even though I’ve been treating it as one. We’re really old acquaintances who see each other once in a while.

The other thing I realized in thinking of all this? It really doesn’t bother me that much. The effort I put in wasn’t out of some deep desire to hang onto this friendship, it was because I felt like I should make the effort. I find I’m not at all sad to realize this.

I’ve actually been very happy lately. Very, very happy. So, without further ado, and borrowing a post from Sass, here are five reasons I’m in a good mood this week:

5. This web site.

4. I have a huge list of things on my desk that need to get done, and I’ve done close to half of them! And I LOVE crossing things off lists.

3. I’m heading back to Virginia (and my apartment) in a few short weeks! As fun as living in a hotel room for three months sounded at the beginning, it has lost its appeal. I want a bigger space, and a kitchen.

2. Spring is coming! No more planning my runs around crazy blizzards! I love warmer weather!

1. La. You all knew she was making the list. She puts a smile on my face every day, and I get to see her Friday!

That’s all for today! Hope everyone is having a great day!

So the weekend? Was ok. Nothing special, but not bad.

A brief recap:

Friday night was nice, it was good to get out with friends and have a good time. However, I was EXHAUSTED from my late night Thursday so I went to bed early. However, I woke up two hours later when my drunk friends started calling because none of them could drive home from the bar and no cabs were available. So I had to wake up, drive into town, and rescue them. They all owe me now.

Saturday was rough. I was exhausted all day (see Friday night) and was pretty much a zombie. I promised a certain someone that I would have energy when we spoke that evening, which turned out not to be true. Even my run was short and lazy (though, in my defense, there was a layer of ice on the ground). There was also no IKEA run (decided against it), and various other errands were similarly not attempted. I had a bunch of caffeine too, but it didn’t help, I was just out of it.

After going to bed early Saturday night (and not being woken) I got up early on Sunday and had lots of energy. I met a friend who was in the state (and her sort of maybe boyfriend, who she has been seeing for A YEAR AND A HALF, maybe time to talk about things?) which was nice. Then I came back, got in a decent run, got some work done, and bought some nice furniture online.

So, I’ve had several thoughts lately, and I’m going to try to get them all out here in a semi-coherent fashion:

1) My dreams have been a little bad as of late. I’ve realized, over the last however many years, that my bad dreams are (most of the time) a reflection of what is bothering me subconsciously. All through high school/college/law school I had (apparently common) dreams that I showed up for final exams and realized I had a class that I had never been to (interestingly enough, the dreams always take place in high school, they didn’t change with me).

Well, as previously mentioned, my dreams have been unhappy lately. So, after some soul searching I’ve determined that I am a little insecure right now. I think it’s some residue from my last relationship, plus the general nervousness that comes with starting something new. And I think that it’s ok, maybe even normal, now that I’ve realized it. Because I can’t let my subconscious worry about things that already happened to me, they’re over, it’s done. I currently have a gorgeous girlfriend who “steals” my clothes and loves her puppies and generally makes me smile constantly. So I’m going to concentrate on trying to just stay happy and in the present. Maybe this is my new years resolution, 2 1/2 months late.

2) I’m finally getting a project I’ve been working on (forever) close to completion, which makes me happy. It’s a total surprise, but if it gets pulled off successfully I will let you all know. Hopefully in the next 6-12 months there will be some good news (I know, this is long term stuff, hold on).

3) I’m thinking about designating a day where I tell stories about my past. Maybe Wednesdays/Thursday? Any thoughts?

So, the other night I was talking to superfriend E about how things are going with La. E is absolutely enamored with her already(hence why we’re such good friends, she’s a dork too). We came to a point in the conversation, however, where E and I have a bit of a disagreement over something we just fail to see eye to eye on.

I’m a bit of a romantic. I tend to fall for people quickly. I get excited about new relationships, sometimes too excited. The byproducts of this are generally nervousness and awkward silences, and it oftentimes blows up in my face.

E thinks this is the best thing ever. She adores that I’m such a romantic, and it gives her hope for the male gender or something (If I’m the great male hope, we’re all screwed). She loves that I’m a guy who is romantic and “in touch with my feelings” or something like that.

I? Don’t like it as much. It tends to lead to situations where I wind up getting hurt. Or it leads to unnecessarily awkward dates. Quite honestly I sometimes wish I could hold back my feelings back more, I think it’d mean a little less heartache in the long run.

But it’s just not me, so instead I get nervous and doubt things until I’m absolutely sure everything is going well. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue (please, let one of you get this reference).