Almost Grown Up

“No unread items.”

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

So the google reader is totally cleaned out, and I feel accomplished. I did what I set out to do tonight. I ran, I ate a healthy dinner (no one saw me eat that cookie, right? It was a small one anyway). I talked to my family, I made plans. But I did miss all of you, and I commented on posts (some a few weeks old, sorry) and got all caught up and you are all wonderful. And my google reader has no unread items, in case you missed it.

I always approach change in my life tentatively, I drag my feet towards it and then I often get lost in the uproar. So a lot of things are changing for me. Personally and professionally, things are down right now. My normal answer to these changes is to be depressed (see yesterday’s post), to eat more (see my diet for the last week), to drink more (I’ve kept this at a healthy level as of late, thankfully), and to exercise less (again, see the last week). I burn myself out by being unhealthy and down instead of making things work for me. So as of tonight I’m done.

I need to stick to my diet better. So I will. Dinner tonight was tuna with salad. Healthy. My overindulgence of food has been hurting my training and it can’t continue to do so.

I need to exercise more. I got off my training in the last week, but if I want to keep up with my ambitious fall running schedule I need to log the miles all summer, so I need to stick to it.

I need to not let myself get down. I can wallow in sadness sometimes. It’s not depression per se, but when bad things happen I let them define me for a time, and it’s unhealthy.

I need to make the most of these changes. So much has happened that I can’t waste time with “what-ifs” and conjecture. I need to figure out how to make things better for me.

To that end I:

(1) Started writing here more. It’s fun! Again! Yay! I like the whole “post more every few days” thing. It seems to suit me.

(2) Went for a run tonight, and I pushed through when I got tired. No more laziness.

(3) Made a healthy dinner, and picked out a healthy breakfast. And tomorrow after work? I am going grocery shopping for healthy food.

(4) Made a plan to make this job switch work for me, complete with lists and people to talk to and taskers. and more lists. Because I love lists.

(5) Made plans to get out of town with some friends this weekend. I need to clear my head, to start fresh, to come back having accepted everything that has happened lately. A long weekend? The perfect time to start fresh, maybe it’ll pour rain one night and we can be all metaphorical too.

Or maybe I just need a little break from it all

Missed you all, I promise that I will be better at stalking you all through google reader.

So this morning, during my drive to work, I had a post all figured out.

It was going to be a happy post, about goofy friends and fun memories and all that. I’ve been super productive this week, and fixed the sink, the wireless internet (sorry neighbor), and did the dishes and you were going to hear all about the happiness.

But sometimes the day just gets in the way.

Work has been going well, I like my job and it has been keeping me busy. For the last two weeks there have been some rumors that I was being considered for a different job (this happens a lot where I work, it’s a fluid situation) that would normally be filled with someone with a lot more experience than I. Fantastic, yes? For the last week I’ve been holding my breath, absolutely sure that I would hear I was getting it. It was always right around the corner, and I couldn’t believe how great things were going and that the crazy days I’ve been putting in were already paying off.

The email today was brief, “Could you come by my office as soon as possible? I’d like to discuss something with you.” Nice, brief, I basically flew to his office. I knew what was coming, I was ready to accept and onwards to better things, and all that.

“C is getting [the position I was praying I was going to get].” It hit me like a shot in the gut. Ok, we’re fine things are going well, it sucks, but it could be worse.

“Also, you’re being sent to [different department that results in much less face time with bosses, and potentially less opportunities].” Ummmm…

So yeah, instead of getting a great opportunity, I’m being shuttled off. It’s ostensibly because I’m independent and need less supervision, but I’m concerned it will lead to my being overlooked for a lot of other opportunities, and I’m pretty upset all around. I spent the rest of the day unproductively pretending to work.

I shouldn’t be as upset as I am (or should I?) but today kind of snowballed with some other stuff. I hurt my knee earlier this week while pretending I was still 18 years old and have been pretending that it’s something I can run through. I haven’t been sleeping the last two weeks, with another bout of my recurring insomnia that I love oh so much. On a personal level I’m also dealing with some changes that I’ve avoided talking about on here and won’t talk about on here, at least for now.

So it’s nights like this, where none of my friends in other places really understand my job drama, and all my friends here all work with me, that I feel lonely. So now I’m at home, realizing I have nobody to talk to about this, and it kind of sucks. So instead I’ll complain to you all. Sorry.

So the google reader is back to the (high) double digits, and I’ve been reading and commenting.

A weird thing about me? I’m more likely to read posters who don’t post as much. If I see blogger X has 2 new posts, and blogger y has 15? I’m reading blogger x’s 2 posts. Because it seems more manageable. It seems like I’m cheating though, because I’m ignoring the bloggers who write more often.

I apologize, mostly to you four. Since the four of you account for about 90% of my current google reader backlog, I promise I will get to you (tomorrow!).

So, after a bad week of running due to a million things, I’ve been back into it the last two days, and I already feel better.  I just need to stick to my diet a little better, and it will get progressively easier.

In other news? I did not buy a boat. Turns out, a new boat costs lots of money. The ones I was looking at? Around $40,000. Which is a little out of my price range. So now I’m kind of shopping around for a nice used boat that might be closer to my price range. I might also go in on one with a friend, split up the cost some. So no go on the boat for now, but stay tuned.

Also? Can we talk about the Celtics? If they could win a road game and take some of the pressure off of me, I’d feel better, but at least we’re still winning.

This weekend was exactly what I needed. Some time with the boys, some time shopping for ridiculously out of my price range toys, some time watching sports, some time running. Fantastic.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

So I finally feel like I’m settling into the area, and it makes me happy.

Between the work friends, making some friends from church, and all the stuff I have planned in the next few months, I feel like I’m finally settling in here. Of course, with that is the reality that I might not be here too long, but for now I’m very content with where I am. The Commonwealth is nice (and my birthday is coming up, yay!).

This week was a blur. Between work, work events, other social engagements and the like, it seems to have flown. I can’t believe it’s Saturday morning, and what do I feel like doing?

Going to look at boats.

I decided this week that I want a boat. Not just a little one, but something with a little room to it, maybe a small cabin, for fishing/social excursions. In pricing them, it looks like they are expensive, and then you need to find somewhere to dock it, and have registration/fuel/insurance/other miscellaneous expenses that accompany it. So for right now I’m telling myself that I’m going to just look and that will convince me that I can’t afford a boat.

Somebody please help me.

Hope your weekends are going well!

So I’m back, and the time away? Was nice.

It’s good to reconnect with family. To see the little brother I’m so proud of.

The problem with growing up just a few years apart? Just as one of you finishes the angry teenage years, the other one starts them. And it’s hard, when you’ve already been through all that, watching someone else wallow in it.

Then watching your younger sibling have a rough time with life, struggle a bit, it’s hard to see. Especially when he pulled back, and didn’t let anyone help.

So last weekend, seeing him happy and healthy and moving forward? Pretty much the best possible thing. I’m very proud and happy.

Coming back to work? Does not make me happy.

No matter how many late nights I spent in the office last week before heading out of town, I come back behind in work. It has been no different on this return to the office, and I found myself behind. This caused a change in plans, since I hadn’t scheduled an amazing 13 hours in the office on my first day back, silly me.

But I got it done, and got some furniture put together to boot, not bad for being so tired you want to pass out.

So I’m back. Hope ya’ll are ready.

The next few weeks are going to be fun. I have quite the long post started for tomorrow (posts on two consecutive days! See how much I’ve missed you?) and I’ve got lots of fun-filled plans leading up to some birthday craziness in DC in June.

The Celtics just won though, so I’m off, until tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a great week.

So in the vast craziness that is getting ready to take a few days off and visit the fam, I was stressed.

It means getting ahead on my work, so that nothing implodes while I’m gone.

It means talking to clients so that they know I still love them and will be dealing with their problems upon my return.

It means finishing the extra project that I stupidly picked up early because I won’t be in the office the day it is due.

It means doing laundry, packing a suitcase, packing a car with things to take home, and getting enough caffeinated beverages to keep me from falling asleep while driving home.

Glorious.

So I got home at nearly 8pm, after a 13 hour day and started working. I looked at the clock twice and was sad that I didn’t have any time to run. So I packed, and I shuffled things around, and then it hit me:

“I really need a run.”

So off I went, and the second my feet hit the pavement I felt better. The sun was down, the heat was drifting away, the air was getting all sweet (this “sweet evening air” I speak so much about is apparently due to night blooming jasmine, I am told, at least I’m not about to have a seizure). And I felt better. I came home, ate the leftover food from my roommate’s date (He’s cooking for her now! Quite the big step!) and settled in for a night of packing.

My neighbor swung by shortly thereafter so she could get my help with a moving project of her own, and said to me “Everytime I see you you’re doing something, you have such a wild, interesting life.” And you know what? My life is great. Even when the job is tedious, I love it. I love my job and my coworkers and doing what I do every day. I love the social aspects of my life here, be it beer with the guys or soccer with the team from work. Even on the long days, the 13 hour days that have me dragging ass back home and looking longfully at my bed, I love what I do.

So, the other good part about my impending return to New England, is that I can watch the Red Sox play (haven’t worked out how to do this in Virginia yet). So in honor of my getting to watch the Sox, I’m reposting a poem written in the Sporting News on September 21, 1911, two weeks before the last game of Cy Young’s career:

HE’LL BE PITCHING STILL
On the morning of the Judgment, when friend Gabriel calls the game,
He’ll be somewhat disappointed when he cries one famous name;
For in all those countless legions who will answer to the roll,
There will be one fellow missing and may peace be on his soul.
There will be one man too busy to come in and learn his fate;
He’ll be working while the others try to horn in past the gate;
For when Gabriel toots his trumpet and we all rise from the hay,
Old Cy Young will not be present – he’ll be pitching ball that day.

(Yeah, I have issues with the baseball craziness, at least I’m not one of those murderous yankees fans).

“You might want to head down to the basement, they just spotted a tornado half a mile from here.”

Excuse me while I flip out.

So down into the basement we went. I honestly didn’t know we had one (a basement, not a weather system that threatens my life) before today. It smells funny, and as I descended into the poorly ventilated nether regions of my building, I had but one thought:

“I hope my car insurance will cover my car getting blown away.”

Perhaps I started too late in the story, lets back up.

Last week was long. I was tired almost every night. Beat. By the weekend I was ready to collapse. My “powernap” of Friday afternoon stretched for hours. Lying under the sheets, staring blearily at my alarm clock every 30-45 minutes and then resetting it.

Going out was not on the agenda.

When I say I was “tired,” most of you won’t be able to picture how useless I actually was. This is really tired. I’m basically worthless at this stage. Conversation lags, thoughts die, I dream of bed. But it was a friend’s birthday, so I cowboyed up (to all non-Red Sox fans, I apologize for the reference) and headed out.

I’ve decided that one of my favorite summertime (it’s warm here, I refuse to believe it will get warmer) activities is sitting at an outdoor bar, having a beer with friends. Even though I went home early, I felt at peace while I was there. The warm air mixed with the good conversation and the taste imported beer that I couldn’t even pronounce the name of. The sweetness of the air in the evenings mingles with the salt off the ocean and the warmth of the people crammed into a small area after a long week. I think my goal for this summer is to recapture that feeling as much as possible, because it really was amazing. I went home early and collapsed into a comatose pile in my bed and didn’t move until morning (minus one incident when roommate and friend stumbled in sometime after last call).

Saturday was a perfectly lazy day. A run when it was far too hot to run (ugh), some quality time watching a movie I had been meaning to get to since I received it as a gift two months ago, and a house party that we threw. It was nice. Low key, but friendly. A nice night, and while I might not remember it in a year, it was certainly nothing momentous, it was exactly what I needed at the time.

Of course, Sunday had to come, after a night spent tossing and turning under the covers, unable to sleep. And I felt under the weather, and morose. The air in Church didn’t move. The sky threatened rain all day. Other things happened too. Exchanges I won’t write about here, not yet, probably not ever. It was dreary. I fell asleep around 7:30 and just slept.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I hate Mondays. The beginning of the week always makes the next weekend seem too far away. Plus the office was a nightmare. Clients and files and the hopes of a productive day mixed and swirled and got lost in the storm of a big changeover in employees. By the time I arrived back from a meeting this afternoon I was happy to be able to close out a few files so I could pretend to salvage some productivity from an annoying day, a day which saw me get really angry for the first time in a long time. The ineffectiveness of everything going on around me just wore me too thin. And then came the exchange we started with.

“You might want to head down to the basement, they just spotted a tornado half a mile from here.”

Standing around in the basement, waiting for an all clear, was tense. The wind would whip wildly, moaning against the building, and then fall silent. The rain would pour down so loudly it echoed through the earth, and then it would stop. A mixture of faraway sounds, sirens, and whispers had us straining our ears to hear what was happening outside. Suddenly the tension fell from the room, I don’t know what did it. We all laughed and joked about what was happening outside, and it was suddenly nice to be in the semi-lit basement, breathing in the stale air and just laughing. It was almost a let-down when we got the all clear and filed out to go home.

Leaving work I saw the signs of what we missed. Trees were uprooted and split open a quarter mile down the road. The streets were flooded and the power was still flickering on and off in the 7-11 I stopped at for a bottle of water. As I stood in line I watched the woman behind the counter ringing people up. The power would flicker, she would grimace, and then she would smack the register with her hand before she continued ringing up the order.

And I giggled under my breath. Tomorrow’s another day.

Sorry for the absence. Yesterday I was going to write about the last few days, but I wasn’t feeling very good at all. A big post is due sometime after work today. Just wanted you all to know I’m still alive.

Yesterday was a looooooooooong day. Between finishing work late, fitting in a run, and then doing all the errands I needed to finish up, it was 9pm before I was eating dinner. Great. Training is coming along well though. I’ve bumped up my mileage with only a few more aches and pains, and feel myself getting into pretty good shape.

So, sometime this week or next (it could be as soon as today!) I’ll have an important meeting, that will likely decide how the next 4 years of my life will go. And that’s just weird. I mean, my situation has been so fluid for so long it’ll be good to actually have a plan, but knowing exactly what will happen is a little scary? Perhaps I’ve gotten used to not knowing. The suddenness of this change has been pretty crazy too. So stay tuned for the road map I’ll be getting.

Off to what will hopefully be a productive day where I get tons of stuff done. Fingers crossed.

So this is my 100th post. I really kind of wished I had something deep or meaningful to say. Unfortunately, as of late, I’ve had a bit of writer’s block. Not a huge deal, I think it’s partially due to the lots of work and the resulting lack of energy I’ve been feeling. I need a weekend where I can sleep until noon, rather than one where I’m up running errands at the crack of dawn. Hopefully this weekend will be just what I need, though I’m feeling alright today with last night’s giant night’s sleep.

So, in honor of my writer’s block (suggestions anyone?), I thought I’d post a recap of where things stand now, at the 100 post mark:

The Apartment: Is beautiful, I love it. I have a few things that are getting shipped to my parents house to be stored based my having no idea how to read a floor plan, and I still need a second bookcase and the giant tv (Hi! Maybe turn on my paycheck sometime soon? That would be great, thanks), but I’m having a good time.

Life here: I’m getting used to life here. I wonder sometimes if I should have picked a slightly different neighborhood. There’s a weird mixture of people here (which makes traffic horrible) and the aforementioned lack of quality Chinese food concerns me. However, this is the south, and there is great BBQ! And given my love for anything with BBQ sauce on it, I should be ok. The neighbors are generally nice though, even if there is a little dog somewhere who thinks it is his job to wake me in the middle of the night by barking ferociously. I’m sure he’s scaring something off that would have otherwise killed me.

La: Is coming! Next weekend! We haven’t seen each other since I got here, and it has been hard, so this will be really great. Can’t. Wait.

Work: Great, but busy, and not without its annoyances (see paycheck, missing). I love the job, and I love my coworkers, which is a lot better than other jobs I’ve had (someday remind me to tell you all why you shouldn’t apply for college internships with a girlfriend if there is any chance of you breaking up).

Friends: My friends here are almost all work friends. Some I work with directly, some a little more indirectly. But I have one non-work friend here. It’s a different balance than I’m used to, but I think I’m also not used to working with people who I really enjoy hanging out with. Perhaps it’s just a matter of getting used to a new work/life balance. I’m going to try to get involved more in my church, which will help me branch out a bit socially.

How is everyone else doing?